Leviathan's Lament Read online

  Grey parked her the car and turned it off, then just sat there, sucking in slow, deep breaths as she tried to get her courage up. There was no rule against telling people what she was—at least not that she was aware of. The stuck-up pod of sirens might complain about it, but they weren’t in charge of Grey’s life. And if any governing supernatural authority had a rulebook, they sure as shit hadn’t shared it with Grey. Hell, she hadn’t even known about supernatural stuff until very recently. “It’ll be fine,” she muttered to herself, yanking the keys out of the ignition and jamming them into the pocket of her jeans. She got out, patted her back pocket to make sure she still had her action hero wallet, then locked up the car and strode toward the clinic, trying to look confident.

  Inside, she was a wreck. Something was not right with her, and she was pretty sure it wasn’t anything human.

  She patted the geode necklace she wore, taking comfort in its heavy presence. Then pushed through the clinic doors.

  Grey didn’t have to wait long before it was her turn to see the doctor. Joy breezed into the treatment room with a smile, all blond hair and violet eyes. She’d always been what Grey thought of as “normal female” during the time Grey was stuck in a man’s body, and they had become good friends as Grey lived vicariously through a woman who wasn’t tied down by a gender change and a quarantine. Joy had gotten to go back to her home on the mainland and live her life, when she wasn’t volunteering on the island. Once the door was closed, Joy grinned and held out her arms, pulling Grey into a warm hug. Then she stepped back and looked her up and down.

  “I still can’t get over how different you look,” she said, ruffling Grey’s shoulder-length red curls. “What’s up, though?” she said, picking up a clipboard and pen. “You know, now that I live here, you can just call me when you want to hang out.”

  Grey rolled her eyes. “I didn’t come here just to see your smiling face.” Though, honestly, she kind of did. There was no way she’d be seeking medical advice from anyone else.

  Grey took a seat on the exam table while Joy pulled over a rolling stool and went through the usual rigamarole of vitals and cursory exam stuff. “So really, what brings you in. Your chart says headaches.”

  Grey met Joy’s eyes, feeling like she was about to vomit. “Yeah. Headaches and weird dreams. I wanted to know if any of the other morphs have said anything about those sorts of symptoms, or if it was because of something else.”

  Joy frowned. “Something else?”

  Grey shrugged. “Humor me.”

  Joy shook her head. “Well, a lot of morphs are dealing with some form of trauma, or mental illness, or adjustment issues, which is to be expected after something like that. And that can look like a lot of different things for different people. But in general, no, headaches and weird dreams aren’t really something I’m hearing about on a regular basis.”

  Grey let out a long sigh. “I was afraid of that.”

  Joy reached out and patted Grey’s knee, giving her a head tilt and a knowing look. “What’s going on, Grey?”

  Grey squared her shoulders and...told the truth. She told Joy everything . How she wasn’t entirely human. How her mom cursed the island and Grey got her to change them back. How magic, and sea monsters, and ancient gods were real.

  Joy just...nodded.

  “You’re going to tell me I need a CT scan of my head, aren’t you?” Grey said when the silence stretched out between them. “Like, you think I have a brain tumor, or I’ve lost my mind. But I swear, Joy, this shit’s real. Remember how my vitals have always been so out of whack? It’s probably because of the whole not human thing.”

  Joy sighed. “No. I believe you.” At Grey’s skeptical look, she shrugged, a wry smile lifting one corner of her mouth. “Luca told me,” she said finally, putting her clipboard on her lap and leaning her elbows on it as she watched Grey’s face. “When he—or, I guess she now, right? Anyway, when she was asking me about you and trying to get close to you. She told me one time that you might do or say things that were really hard to believe, and that I should keep an open mind and try to understand that there are things even we doctors and scientists don’t know. He seemed worried about you having some sort of...issue.” She shrugged. “I mean, it’s a big freaking leap from that to half-monster, but...Grey, it just makes more sense than anything else anyone has come up with to explain The Change. And you’re right. I’ve been fudging your vitals for a while now just to keep anyone from asking questions and deciding you needed to become some government test subject or something freaky like that. With your body temperature fluctuations, you should have been dead a long time ago.”

  Grey suddenly just felt so tired. “You’re so...Joy this level of acceptance is not normal. Maybe you need a brain scan.”

  She laughed and tossed her pen at Grey, who slapped it away with a huff. “Seriously,” Joy said, putting her doctor face back on. “We both know whatever brought you here isn’t because of The Change. Now tell me what’s actually wrong.”

  Grey sighed, shoulders slumping. “It really is just headaches and weird dreams. I’ve had a headache every day since the Swap back. And they seem to be getting a little bit worse all the time. And I have trouble sleeping because every damned time I fall asleep, I dream about being trapped in the dark and I wake up in a panic.” She shrugged. “I just...well, I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me, but I was really hoping you’d tell me it was some weird morph side effect that everyone was having these days. Even though I knew better.”

  Joy frowned, considering. “I really can have some imaging done. Just because you’re half mythological creature, doesn’t mean you can’t have a brain mass or something like that. It’s not like there’s some textbook for treating supernatural patients. At least...I don’t think there is. But what the hell do I know?”

  Grey laughed at that. “Do you really think there’s something wrong with my brain?”

  Joy met her eyes, and Grey could already see the answer there before she spoke. “Honestly? It’d probably be highly unlikely. Most of the studies we’ve done on morphs make it look like the entire body is...reset...at the time of change. They’re all glowingly healthy, at least physically—even scars and blemishes, all the signs of living their lives, are gone. So I would hazard a guess that your body is the same. And if that’s the case, then you wouldn’t have any unusual growths or chronic medical issues.” She tilted her head, thinking. “Is there anyone you can ask about the non-human stuff? I’m sorry to say, but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s causing your symptoms. Either that, or it’s your way of dealing with the mental and emotional trauma from all this. Usually, I’d refer you to a psychologist for some therapy. But...honestly, I don’t know if that would really help, since you probably wouldn’t want to tell them everything that’s going on.”

  Grey nodded. “Yeah, no way am I telling anyone else what a freak I am. I’m pretty sure there are reasons non-humans don’t just go around announcing their existence to the general populous. Nothing good could possibly happen.”

  Joy nodded. “I agree. You know the way us humans react to anything we don’t understand.”

  Grey snorted. Yeah, she knew firsthand, since she’d been locked on a quarantined island and studied like a lab rat the moment something weird happened on the island. No one on the mainland had wanted to risk being around Etna residents—even once it was blatantly obvious The Change wasn’t contagious. Morphs were really lucky it hadn’t been worse. It certainly might have, in some other time.

  “Okay,” Grey said, bracing her hands on her thighs and standing. “Well, this has been fun and all, but I guess I’ll go look elsewhere for an explanation of why I’m such a mess.”

  Joy grimaced. Then her expression softened. “How about a girls’ night out this weekend? It’s been too long. Tell Abbie for me, okay? You guys pick what we’re going to do. I’m free all weekend.”

  Grey smiled back and nodded, even though her head was still pounding. At least
a girls’ night out was something Grey could do now.

  If she was afraid some new, nasty supernatural surprise was brewing, so what. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been warned.

  The siren queen and her mother had both hinted that by restoring the kleidí and breaking the curse on the island, she was getting into something she didn’t understand. She just hadn’t cared at the time. She wrapped her hand around the kleidí as she made her way across the parking lot to Rick’s clunker of a car. The stone pulsed in her hand, the warm heartbeat perfectly matching the slow thud of her headache.

  “Gods, what now?” she muttered as she slid behind the wheel and headed for home. Wasn’t her disaster of a social, career, and love-life enough? Did the universe really have to pile on the supernatural bullshit too?

  “Maybe it’s just stress,” she told herself firmly. Even Joy had said that was a possibility. Maybe it was depression, and anxiety, and that lingering feeling of loss that hung around Grey every moment since she was returned to her female body.

  Maybe. But something deep inside her echoed maybe not.

  Her head pulsed with pain, and a deep sadness tugged at her solar plexus, dragging her down. She detoured to the pharmacy to pick up the mild sleep aid Joy had prescribed. If nothing else, she needed to start sleeping better, or she really was going to go insane.

  Chapter 4

  Luca slipped into the townhouse's bedroom and padded silently across the plush carpet. She stood looking down at Grey, her heart in her throat. Grey had been cranky lately, and Luca was pretty sure the redhead wasn’t sleeping well. She wanted to ask her what was going on—to demand she tell her, lean on her like she used to when they were both guys. But all Grey saw was Luca’s gender.

  A smile lifted the corner of Luca’s mouth at the sight of Grey sprawled across the bed, her oval face slack, partially obscured by a wild tumble of ruddy curls. The blankets were tangled around her, highlighting generous curves and valleys. Luca’s heart ached and her fingers tingled with the urge to go to her, to touch her, even as memories of him made unshed tears tremble in her eyes.

  Grey wasn’t the only one missing a guy who didn’t exist. It might be better for them both if they could just find each other again—cling to this new reality while they adjusted to the loss of the old one. But there was this gaping chasm between them that Luca didn’t know how to fill.

  Luca loved being a woman. She was glad to be back to herself. But sometimes she cursed her female body, wishing she could reclaim the awkward, lanky male form she had worn for the past four years—anything if it would bring Grey back to her arms.

  Grey sighed in her sleep, frowned, and subsided into dreams once more. "Luca," she whispered. Her fingertips twitched, and Luca knew she was dreaming of him , of the male Luca, tracing the memory of his shape in her dreams. Luca knew, because she did the same thing in her own dreams, remembering brown curls and defiant green eyes just a few shades different than Grace’s eyes.

  Luca slipped her shoes off and crawled onto the bed, careful not to disturb Grey from her memories. She watched Grey’s face as she slept, finally throwing caution to the wind and giving in to the urge to hold her in her arms. "I'm here," she breathed. She smoothed a soft curl from Grey's face and planted a light kiss on her temple, careful not to wake her. "I'm right here, Grey ."

  Chapter 5

  Grey squinted at the bright morning light that spilled through the gaps in her window blinds. Sighing, she flounced over and pulled the covers up under her chin. She had been having a good dream for once—something about stormy blue eyes and long, graceful fingers tracing over her skin. She smiled and willed herself to return to it. She refused to let harsh, disappointing reality intrude.

  Something soft tickled her face and she rolled up against a solid obstacle. Her eyes flew open to find Luca regarding her with a smug smile. Her dark blue eyes peered out at Grey from beneath a wild spill of black hair. The silky strands caressed Grey's cheek as they shared a pillow.

  “You’re so cute when you sleep,” Luca breathed, mischief turning up the corners of her wide mouth. Grey sat up suddenly and ran a hand through her crazy curls. Luca rolled over and put a long arm under her head. She grinned up at Grey. “You cut your hair,” she said. “It reminds me of before....”

  Grey flushed and looked away, self-consciously smoothing the unruly bob with one hand and pulling her thin camisole straight with the other. Her hair had been long and wild after the Swap Back. Instead of feeling at home in her femininity, she spent half the time loving it and the other half wishing she could just go back to being male again. She’d stopped by the hair salon on a whim yesterday, pissy and tired, and wanting to just do something. For whatever reason, cutting her hair made her feel better, more herself...whoever that was.

  Luca sat up and teased a red curl. “Wait! Is that why you cut it? To remind me of before?” Her expression melted into one of sultry pleasure, her high cheekbones flushing a delicate petal pink. “You cut your hair for me!” she gushed.

  Grey slapped her hand away. “I did not. It’s just more comfortable this way,” she grumbled. “I’m not used to it being long, and it takes way too much maintenance to keep it from getting all knotted up.” She absolutely hadn’t done it to make Luca happy, she told herself. No way. She felt her own cheeks redden at the lie.

  Luca drew one long, graceful leg up and looped her arms over her knee. Her cotton shorts left her perfect, creamy white skin exposed to the upper thigh. “Whatever you say.” But her blue eyes were still sparkling with humor.

  Grey sighed in exasperation and flounced out of bed. “What are you doing in my bed anyway?” she demanded, hands on hips.

  Luca’s dark eyes traveled the length of Grey's body and she grinned. Grey belatedly realized that she was standing there in her lace underwear and a stretchy camisole that left nothing to the imagination. She quelled the urge to bolt to the bathroom to hide. She still felt unaccustomed to this body, with its curves, and dips, and all the unnecessary flesh . Pushing down her insecurities, she sedately went to the dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and jeans, ignoring all the wobbling that went on when she moved.

  Luca sighed in disappointment as Grey got dressed.

  “You were sleeping so soundly I couldn’t bear to wake you,” she said with a shrug. But her color was high. Grey narrowed her eyes and Luca caved. “It’s the truth. Mostly.” Luca held up her hands defensively under the force of Grey's glower. “Okay, I admit it!” She looked down at her long feet, suddenly seeming embarrassed. “I miss you. I just...I wanted to hold you while you slept. I’m sorry.”

  Grey stared at Luca with her heart in her throat. Luca was so stunningly beautiful. Just like always. Like him. Grey’s fingertips tingled at the memory of the silky feel of Luca’s hair sliding through her hands. But the memory was accompanied by the memory of smooth muscle and lean strength. Now Luca sat there all soft, slender, feminine beauty. Grey fisted her hands to kill the memory.

  Luca’s gaze dropped and a knife twisted in Grey’s gut. Luca had to know what Grey was thinking. She probably had the same thoughts about the old Grey. Even if loving a girl was nothing new to her. Luca had been a lesbian before The Change. Grey was not. Grey didn’t know why she insisted on clinging to all these old boxes and lines, except...every damned part of her life had shifted so many fucking times in the last few years. She just felt like she couldn’t take one more shift. It would probably be the straw that broke the camel’s back. The thing she just finally couldn’t cope with that sent her plunging off the deep end into insanity.

  Gods, and now she was being melodramatic. Thinking hurt.

  Grey crossed to the bed and stood looking down at Luca. She reached out and ran a hand through her black locks, brushing the hair back from her surprised blue eyes. “How about we get some coffee?”

  Luca smiled up at her. “I already did. It’s in the kitchen.”

  Of course. Luca loved her coffee. She was probably at the coffee shop bright and early
this morning. Only then did Grey notice the slight smudges under Luca's eyes. “You’re not getting enough sleep,” she accused.

  “I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. I heard you the last few nights, up wandering around.” Luca caught Grey's hand and pulled her a step closer. “I think I could doze a bit if you were next to me.”

  Grey flushed, then sighed loudly as if it was just such a burden as she climbed back into bed. “Just for a little while.”

  Luca smiled and curled her long body around Grey as if holding something fragile and precious. It was the way Luca—the male Luca—had held Grey the first night they slept together, not demanding anything, not asking for more than to just be close. Grey sank into Luca's arms as her memory of him overlapped with the new sense of her and refused to let herself analyze it.

  Chapter 6

  Ethan ruffled Grey’s wild, springy curls in passing, grinning as he dropped onto the couch beside her. “Think it’s good news this time?” he asked, his sky-blue eyes full of so much warmth and happiness, even though Grey knew Ethan had stayed with his mom last night. The drummer was the master of putting on a good front. Grey was kind of jealous, even as her heart went out to Ethan—Grey was afraid she was pretty terrible at pretending things these days.

  It was a constant effort not to snap at everyone or just freaking act on every impulse that came into her head. She was so tired of thinking, of trying to figure out what she should do—about her love life, the band, her dad, and whatever the fuck was going on with her that was making sleep impossible. It currently felt like someone was stabbing her in the brain with a rusty knife, but their manager had called a meeting, and Grey knew better than to ignore George. No one wanted to face the driven, determined manger’s wrath. Especially not now that George was back in her real body. George was hard enough to handle as a middle-aged balding guy, but as a statuesque ex-model who knew exactly how to get what she wanted? Lucifer didn’t really dare speak up when she made demands meant to further their budding career.